to the point...

i'm sitting here at my computer thinking about the day that's almost over, ever so grateful that tomorrow is finally friday, thankful the weekend is a little closer then what it was yesterday and the thought that crosses my mind is something i have been dealing with mentally for a long time. if you were told you were a bad mum how would you deal with it....how would you cope?

i've struggled with this for years because someone told me that i was...yep that i was a bad mum and not only did they say it once but a few times and in my honest opinion even once was way beyond more then enough and should never have happened but you know what.....they so totally got it wrong. however the impact of that statement however incorrect it has been, however many times it has been said, has torn me apart for years...over and over again.

they say time is a healer of all things and i often ask myself if this is true and i've come up with my own thoughts on it. time gradually allows you to move forward, sometimes in small steps and sometimes in leaps and bounds, yet sometimes the scars, although from the outside look good and appear as they should in the "healing" process, the reality of the internal stuff....yep the stuff that wounds and scars even deeper, the stuff people don't see on the outside is a very very different story.

as a mum of 4 children, 3 of them with autism and other disorders and disabilities, a wife of a husband who had to give up his job a few years back now because he could no longer see well enough, a carer to 4 people, the one that manages the multitude of appointments weekly, fights and advocates in every way possible for the help our kids need...for their rights, trying to keep some sort of "normality" in this chaotic world we live in and remembering to breathe as i go along....seriously if you can manage what i and every other carer out there can and still have the audacity to call me a bad mother then shame on you!!!

my brother once said to me something that i hold dear to my heart and treasure every day. at the end of 2008 when lance was in such a mess with everything ...my brother told me that lance was so lucky to have been born into this family with such loving parents and it hit me like a ton of bricks that the soul of this very child....our son could easily have been born into another family with all his difficulties and the situation could have been very different indeed.

i truly believe in god, i believe that there is purpose and reason for everything and ultimately i believe that god is in control no matter what mankind thinks. he chose tim and i to take care of these beautiful souls...yep even with all their difficulties and he knew we were worthy and able to manage. with every step that we take god is bigger and better and right there taking each step with us....and guess what... not only am i a good mum...i'm a great one at that!

hugs chris xoxo