to the point...

i'm sitting here at my computer thinking about the day that's almost over, ever so grateful that tomorrow is finally friday, thankful the weekend is a little closer then what it was yesterday and the thought that crosses my mind is something i have been dealing with mentally for a long time. if you were told you were a bad mum how would you deal with it....how would you cope?

i've struggled with this for years because someone told me that i was...yep that i was a bad mum and not only did they say it once but a few times and in my honest opinion even once was way beyond more then enough and should never have happened but you know what.....they so totally got it wrong. however the impact of that statement however incorrect it has been, however many times it has been said, has torn me apart for years...over and over again.

they say time is a healer of all things and i often ask myself if this is true and i've come up with my own thoughts on it. time gradually allows you to move forward, sometimes in small steps and sometimes in leaps and bounds, yet sometimes the scars, although from the outside look good and appear as they should in the "healing" process, the reality of the internal stuff....yep the stuff that wounds and scars even deeper, the stuff people don't see on the outside is a very very different story.

as a mum of 4 children, 3 of them with autism and other disorders and disabilities, a wife of a husband who had to give up his job a few years back now because he could no longer see well enough, a carer to 4 people, the one that manages the multitude of appointments weekly, fights and advocates in every way possible for the help our kids need...for their rights, trying to keep some sort of "normality" in this chaotic world we live in and remembering to breathe as i go along....seriously if you can manage what i and every other carer out there can and still have the audacity to call me a bad mother then shame on you!!!

my brother once said to me something that i hold dear to my heart and treasure every day. at the end of 2008 when lance was in such a mess with everything ...my brother told me that lance was so lucky to have been born into this family with such loving parents and it hit me like a ton of bricks that the soul of this very child....our son could easily have been born into another family with all his difficulties and the situation could have been very different indeed.

i truly believe in god, i believe that there is purpose and reason for everything and ultimately i believe that god is in control no matter what mankind thinks. he chose tim and i to take care of these beautiful souls...yep even with all their difficulties and he knew we were worthy and able to manage. with every step that we take god is bigger and better and right there taking each step with us....and guess what... not only am i a good mum...i'm a great one at that!

hugs chris xoxo

it's been too long......

....since my last post. life has got the better of me and at the moment i am struggling to keep up with it all. it's no party dealing with everything that we have going on, trying to survive day to day is near impossible sometimes and i could really do with a clone....lol well at least a helper of all sorts.

our daughter stephanie, who turns 16 next month, finally had her diagnosis come through not quite 2 weeks ago and she too has autism. the difficulty here though is that she actually has more then one diagnoses just like lance and isaac which makes it all the more challenging. autism, mental illness - depression and being visually impaired ( best's vitelliform dystrophy) is what she is dealing with. the autism and best's vitelliform are for life and neither of them are linked, they are both completely separate diagnoses and need to be dealt with that way but as a whole if that makes any sense. both impact on her and both require services in place so she herself can survive the from day to day.

we deal with a lot here there's no doubt about that, out of our 4 kids grace is our only "typical" one and i am so thankful for that because she is able to function normally....well as normal as one does when faced with having 3 siblings that are autistic and each of them with multiple diagnoses and of course i am very thankful that i am for the most part functional as well. i say for the most part because some days i just don't feel i am functioning in any capacity whatsoever.

just on a bit of a random realisation if you've got this far you are possibly wondering who on earth is isaac? well i have mentioned it before but isaac is our youngest son maddison. after far too many difficulties over the years with him being called a her, he being called a she, departments having him in their books as a girl and not a boy.....maddi decided it was time to call himself by his middle name isaac and for the most part we are use to it. every department who deals with isaac (and there are a few) now know and even the school has been made aware.

while i'm on that subject...yep that of isaac...lol we started a new school year as many of you are aware, for those a little more foreign to the aussie way we have a good 5 - 6 week break over christmas and new year and we start a new school year around the end of january early february...anyhoo isaac managed the 1st 3 days and hasn't been back since and we are now into our 3rd week. he just got to a point where his anxieties were too high. we have urgent referrals into different departments with DHS (department of human services), he has been onboard with them since last year but we are still waiting for workers and now that it has become more urgent we are hoping something can be done a little sooner then later. he talked about going back to school today but this time i have had to say no because i need him to have some support and services sorted before i feel that he will be able to manage and therefore function a little better because without them we will just remain at zero and not move forward.

lance is managing righteous pups 3 afternoons a week for about 1.5 - 2 hours each time. yes i am still needing to be there as he still isn't at that stage he is able to function there on his own, but i am stepping back a little more just needing to be his eyes and ears to anything that could make him too anxious or difficult to manage.

i'm  putting in some more "supports" for him at righteous pups who are just wonderful with wanting to do the best they can to help lance and working out a full on structured routine for him with the help of visual aids but like all good things it just takes time and there is very little of it but we are slowly getting there.

this week we are putting in a change....but a change that will be better in the long term.....we just have to see how lance manages it even though i have been planning it for the past couple of weeks and been sorting it out with lance for the past week. normally we go out monday, thursday and friday and our plan is to change that a little and do monday, wednesday and friday so there is a rest day inbetween. something I wanted to have in place last year but with so many appointments hitting on a wednesday in particular it was impossible and although the appointments have not slowed they seem to just be all over the place and on most days anyway.

so being tuesday, today is lance's rest day and tomorrow we are out there again. there are lots of other really good reasons why i have also changed the days and no need to list them all here but i believe that once lance settles into the new routine he will manage so much better and be able to move forward easier at righteous pups and that will be beneficial all round. yes although still baby steps we are slowly moving forward.

anyways i have rambled on enough for now but before i sign off i just wanted to say it's hubbies birthday today....yep he's turned 21 again....lol so HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIM......wishing you a great day. love ya heaps! ♥♥♥
ciao xoxo